Analogically treading life's murkier waters till my legs ultimately gave out, I have wasted many an hour drowning in self pity, finally to be left washed up and semi-conscious, with little direction. Perpetually lingering in a state of Spiritual paralysis I am gradually drawn deeper into the negative realms of my bi-polarity and therein I pause, to reflect on my recent blog with disdain, for it's numbness of sentiment. It's lyricism, set in the original musical context, a joyous celebration of the creative, yet selfishly reproduced it serves merely as a quick fix for my lack of inspiration.
My personal Beltane experience bore no resemblance to the mythical 'page 43 of the 'How to be a Pagan' handbook', that offers up a framework of Earth-centered Spirituality, to which I feel I must adhere. It all seems so contrived, so formulaic, or could the crux merely be my lack of focus? Am I trying to compartmentalize myself as a 'textbook' Pagan? Most of the literature I have read reveals the same information, the same construct, but as I am continuously drawn in to believing that there is only one way, surely I am just becoming a mainstream 'linear' thinker, something that my Earth-centered Spirituality is trying to avoid. And so I have locked myself into the monotony of routine, of work, domestic, sleep, domestic, work, while a fine veneer of dust lies undisturbed upon my alter as I contemplate and wonder how to approach once again with a renewed sense of purpose on my journey.
Beltane's strong association with fertility was contrary to my personal experience this year. Why? Days previous, I had lain in a hospital bed recovering from surgery. A prolonged period of discomfort and pain had finally become unbearable, hence my decision to have a circumcision performed. Weeks later the struggle to come to terms with post-op, both from a bodily and mental perspective left me with a feeling of renewal and relief, despite the longevity of the physical healing process, this however was nothing more than expected, (but possibly not to the extent it has been). It was then that the emotional scar tissue manifested itself, an overwhelming sense of incredible loss, akin to the passing of someone/something which you have lived with since birth, and therefore subsequently contributed to a period of mourning. Furthermore this sudden exposure to intense inward grieve has heightened my awareness of birth, death and rebirth, both from a literal and figurative viewpoint, (all of which are pivotal to my current Druidic study, namely the 'Birth of the legendary Bard Taliesin).
A few years ago I witnessed the sudden demise of both my grandparents and my stepfather, all three of which passed from drawn out illness and all within a two year period. I cannot begin to imagine the effect it must have had on my mother, however I, the supporting son put my grief on the back burner, in order to offer as much support as was possible.
Next my marriage collapsed after thirteen years. Not unexpectedly, a combination of drifting and my continued struggle with mental health issues led to a mutual decision to move on. Both, the physical loss of blood relations, and the subsequent sudden conclusion to a loving partnership with my wife merely left me numb. The latter is finally reaching a resolution but was tarnished with unnecessary bitterness, however with regard to the former, to this day I still have not come to terms with my loss, there has been no closure.
I have now been with my soulmate Julz for eighteen months and though we have stumbled through a myriad of difficulties the majority of which seemed beyond our control, for me it has been a time of rebirth and renewal, of intensity of emotion and true love. My interest in life as a journey, as opposed to a span of time to be filled has been restored, I have begun to heighten my awareness and attune my senses, endeavoring to become more involved in my life-path, it's direction and intent. I am rekindling old interests and birthing others, and though it is a strange, at time solitary and meditative phase in the wheel of my existence I am now beginning the process of re-birthing to the genuine me. I hope that although my blog entries my be sparse at present, that you might bear with me as I begin to grow...
Blessings to you all x